Subterfuge

Yesterday I wanted to jump off a cliff
today I'm glad I didn't
Remember those times I said I was fine?
Well I never was

I just didn't want you to know
of all the battles I had to pull through
Like staying alive and facing the day
and walk with a smile, looking okay

Your words left me fingerprints
they're cut into my soul
But I tried to be strong
without letting it show

And now I'm seeing scattered moments
playing on repeat inside
Along with frozen sights of crying
wishing you could make me die

But when you feel like giving up
thinking you're not strong enough
Gather your strengts and try to get by
for tomorrow can only get better

And you'll be the angel
high in the sky
or a colorful butterfly
soaring up high

- youlis 2006

Trigger

the trigger is pulled
the fuse has gone off
my door has been shut
this must be enough

I close my eyes
and wish me away
when I open them up
it's all the same way

you keep trigging me
you're pushing and
shoving me down
into the ground
I'm covered in dirt
burried alive
breathing the scent
of one dying man

when I ascend
the things I cant mend
I'm blinded by light
and scared into fright
what lies beyond me
this allI can't see

youlis 2006

Stuck between

stuck right between
something to forget
and somethign to remember
the more I try
the harder I fall
my world keeps crashing
pulling the ground
an almost undying feeling

take me away
but there's nowhere to run
I sold my soul
but got nothing in return
keeping the distance
but only getting closer
I'm looking for light
in the crumbling dark

youlis - 2007

Poetry

sometimes it's bad, most days it's worse
when the silence is screaming at me
to get out of its way, out of this place
the voices tell me the same

say this, do that
sit still, shut up
don't see, just be
your mind, not free

it's like poetry for my mind to read
and anger for the hate to feed
the tears for my eyes to cry
those words are like nights
goodbye

youlis 2007

Last goodbye

Well Jamie, he knows
just how he will die
He's known all along
ever since he was 12
He's got it all planned
planned in his head
It plays like a movie
showing him dead

So he's writing his letter
his one last goodbye
to the people he knew
and the few that he loved

"I'm sorry mom,
this is not your fault
I'm sorry dad,
why did it go wrong?

All of this pain
it keeps pulling me down
But please do not cry
just keep carrying on
For I'll always be there
right there in your heart
Just know that I'll love you
even though we're apart

I wasn't made
not made for this world
But we'll meet again
some place far away
I'll wait by the rainbow
far beyond the stars
Where I'm thinking about you
and you're deep in my heart"

youlis 2006

I didn't mean to die

I'll laugh at your sorrows
your pain will be my pleasure
I want to see you tumble down
and cry like there'd be no tomorrow
For I'll make sure you'll know
just what it was like being me

I'll teach you hate
and you'll grow to love me
you'll slit your wristsout of desperation
it eats you from the inside
while it drains your body dry

I will watch my sweet creation
getting torn apart and bruised
And when you're helpless on the ground
I'll walk away without a muse

I didn't mean to die
but you gave me no other choice
you never understood me
but when I'm done you will.

- youlis 2006

Confusion

Sometimes I feel so empty,
like I've got nothing to give,
and nothing to fill up the holes.
For everything there was is lost,
or maybe nothing ever was?

And sometimes I get lost inside,
don't feel dead, nor alive.
Floating away from all that's real,
still being there is what I fear.

But though I'm living in the silence
I'm always screaming on the inside.
What frightens me, amuses others.
Everything here feels so wrong,
though it's all where it belongs.

-youlis 2005